Tapestry of Deceit: Chapter Eight commentary

[betweensunandmoon]

I'm picking up where chatastic and vampire_cookies left off. The fic is here, if you're curious. The sporkings of the previous chapters are here: Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, and Chapter Seven.

This will not be a formal sporking, as the chapter is too long and too dull and I'm not nearly funny enough to comment line-by-line on the whole thing. Instead, I will be reading the chapter and complaining about it as I go.

I thought inserting massive amounts of sexual innuendo was just part of Chat's and Cookies's style, and maybe it is, but inserting massive amounts of sexual innuendo is the only way to make a sporking of this story funny. Yes, it really is that boring. My mind is pretty filthy, but I'm afraid it's not up to the task.

Christine's first day at Winterbourne Castle was hell. The very moment she woke up, it was hell.

Unsurprising--she’s stuck in a bad fanfiction, after all.

Christine wakes up to find cow manure on her pillow, courtesy of the bratlets. She washes her face and thinks about how the kids don't have to like her, but they'll have to respect her.

Carlotta and Philippe had bullied her about; she was not going to allow five children to bully her.

*rolls eyes* Right. You’ve done nothing but let people push you around this entire fic; why am I supposed to believe you wouldn’t let the children do the same?

She selected a deep forest green gown, with silver trim and a white sash,

Because it wouldn’t be a badfic without costume porn.

and quickly dressed herself,

The heck? No medieval noblewoman would be left to get dressed on her own!

before leaving the comforts of her tower to face the enemy.

Gotta love how melodramatic she's being.

While Christine knew very little about getting around this massive seaside fortress, she believed she remembered the way back to the dining hall.

Wait a minute. Wealthy but troubled man marries a lower-class girl he barely knows and takes her to his fancy home by the sea...you think the author’s read Rebecca? *considers, then shakes head* Nah. If Lady Rosesong were ripping off Rebecca, Sir Erik would have a dead first wife Anne would be fanatically devoted to. Suethors never half-ass their ripoffs.

Christine joins the kids for breakfast.

She tried to hide her emotions when she noticed that Sir Erik was nowhere in sight…

Because he's a dickhead.

"Good morning my dear!" Anne chirped, grinning as she brought Christine a hot bowl of porridge. "I hope ye slept well?"

What the hell is Anne's job, anyway? Does this castle not have any other servants?

Christine eyed Jacob for a moment, amazed at how closely the boy resembled his father. If he wore a mask, the transformation would be complete!

Because in badfic, boys always look exactly like their fathers, and girls always look exactly like their mothers.

Jacob felt her gaze and glared right back at her, challenging her with his own golden eyes.

He's a Twilight-verse vampire?

"My name is Christine, and that is what you may call me," she smiled, hoping to at least show them that she was not trying to take the place of their mother.

*twitches* I'm getting Ariana Black flashbacks...

"Sabrina; that is indeed a beautiful name."

It's also a cute movie starring Audrey Hepburn and Humphrey Bogart, and does not deserve to be associated with this fic.

And while we're on the subject of names, Charles and Sarah are fine, but Jacob would be Jacques, Helena would be Hélène, and Sabrina is not a French name in any capacity. The author clearly didn't bother to research medieval French names. Or anything else.

Lady Rosesong seems to think that capslock abuse is an acceptable way to show emphasis, which means that every character in this fic sounds like OotP!Harry Potter.

"Ye said, Sir Erik had hired ye…but that's not true, he married ye. You're his wife, not his servant."

Christine's blue eyes filled with a haunting sadness before she turned to leave. "I'm afraid that Sir Erik sees no difference."

Fic is sporking itself. Can I go now? No? Crap.

Also, is this blonde-haired and blue-eyed Leroux!Chistine, brown-haired and brown-eyed Rossum!Christine, or some other Christine from a version I'm not familiar with? Please pick a version and stick with it, author.

New section, this time in Erik's POV!

Down below, Christine was walking through the courtyard, smiling and curtseying to the few servants who were there, before wandering in a different direction and disappearing around a corner…when only moments later, all five of Sir Erik's children came bursting out from their hiding place and running to find another, each giggling as they went. Christine would then emerge from the place she had gone, looking around desperately to try and see where the giggling had come from.

Are they playing some demented game of tag? Or maybe hide-and-seek?

Bernard rolled his eyes but said nothing, as he reopened the map they had been examining earlier. "There is a collection of caves just south of us…here," he pointed to a spot on the map, just off the coastline, "that several farmers have mentioned seeing dark, suspicious looking ships, docking nearby, and men carrying large items into the caves."

"Pirates," Erik growled under his breath.

 

Or smugglers, or good old-fashioned thieves. Take your pick.

"He's dead," Erik growled, his back turned on Bernard. "I killed him myself."

 

"Aye, I know, but The Jackal had many followers, someone could have taken up his mantle and is continuing his work–"

"Then that person, will learn all too soon, the grave mistake he has made." Erik's voice was deeper than thunder, and colder than ice. Bernard found himself shivering at the very words, knowing that Erik spoke the truth. If someone were out there, putting on the name of the Black Knight's greatest enemy, they would sorely begin to wish they had never been born.

Well, I for one applaud this Jackal guy's successor. Maybe he'll force the fic to have an actual plot.

Blah, blah, the pigs and chickens are running amok, Christine is covered in slop, Erik goes down to ask Christine what happened, she smears muck all over the mask-less side of his face, and the section ends. I have a horrible feeling we're supposed to think this is funny.

Erik decides to eat dinner in the dining hall, but no one's there. The kids are missing and Christine is having dinner in her room. Erik loses his appetite, goes back to his room, and internally monologues about how hot his new wife is until a servant girl comes to tell him there's something he should know. Turns out Christine has passively-aggressively decided to sleep in the servants' quarters.

"Our marriage is a disgrace to God!" Christine shouted, pointing an accusing finger at the Black Knight's chest. "And as for the law…well, I highly doubt it would view me as your wife since our marriage was never consummated!"

Get used to it, Christine. This fic has no conflict other than "will they, won't they," so Lady Rosesong has to drag it out for as long as possible before she can stop teasing her readers.

Erik literally throws Christine over his shoulder, carries her back to her room, pins her down, and warns her never to embarrass him in front of his household again.

"I hate you!" she shouted, her words echoing off the chamber walls.

Don't say that, Christine. We all know you'll end up in bed with him eventually.

Anyway, Erik leaves the room, and the chapter finally ends.

*collapses* I'm done. It's over. And I never, ever want to do that again.