I just realized why I find the concept of "true love" so appealing.

[betweensunandmoon]

Romance has nothing to do with it. It's the (spoken or unspoken) assurance that the lovers will never leave each other, because they want to spend the rest of their lives together. It's the security that comes from knowing you have someone in your life who will always love you and never abandon you no matter what, which is something I feel like I've never had.

(Of course, having your entire support system consist of a single individual is a Very Bad Idea, but I'm not sure it's much worse than having no real-world friends and never being emotionally honest with your family members, because you know from experience you can't trust them not to invalidate your feelings...)

Comments

[igenlode]

It's the security that comes from knowing you have someone in your life who will always love you and never abandon you no matter what

This is why girls with chaotic family lives have children at a young age :(
Having someone to love and someone who is guaranteed to love you unconditionally (for a few years at least)...

[betweensunandmoon]

I don't plan on ever having children, but...yeah, I can see that. :(

[igenlode]

The bachelor's solution has traditionally been to get a dog, for whom you will be the absolute centre of the world, who will be a constant loyal companion, who will adore you unquestioningly and who will literally lay down his life in your defence without a second thought.

Unfortunately dogs are also smelly, demanding and have unpleasant social habits ;-p (And they have short lifespans, which means that a beloved pet will *always* abandon you within a relatively short period.)

---

My parents certainly always loved me and never abandoned me no matter what, even if none of us ever went round constantly and vocally proclaiming our affection (behaviour which, as a result, has always seemed very strange and needy to me when people require it -- I find it hard to believe, at a gut level, that families where people are constantly trilling "Love you!" as they go out of the door actually *mean* anything more by that than a casual "Goodbye"). But my parents also made me furious by 'emotionally invalidating my feelings' and suggesting not only that there was something wrong with me for having them, but that my reactions meant that there was in fact something so wrong with me that I wasn't *capable* of having them in the first place. Which is unbelievably offensive when you're twenty and being told that the cause of your misery is not only delusional, but in fact a symptom of your inability ever to experience anything of the sort 'for real'.

So I wouldn't have dreamed of being 'emotionally honest' with my family members. The result was to make me extremely angry and unhappy and afraid for a very long time, despite the fact that they were also being unstintingly supportive on a practical level.

Provided we kept off emotions, we were very good intellectual and physical companions. Friends -- but not the kind of unquestioning back-up system ('but we're *family*!') that people seem to expect.

I don't think I've ever really trusted anyone since that year; from what I remember, I wasn't exactly trusting before -- bullying will do that for you -- but being emotionally devastated on that complicated level (most of the complications being my fault) added to being told that you were mentally deformed for feeling that way doesn't exactly inspire you to rely on other people, or to confide.

[betweensunandmoon]

I already have a dog. :P He's a good boy, but I can't exactly carry on a conversation with him.

I'm just so damn tired of feeling like I have to walk on eggshells around my own family members.

[igenlode]

You basically can't, in practical terms, expect your family to provide emotional validation, especially if they potentially find your convictions threatening or simply loopy -- the most you can expect/require of them is the mutual courtesy of avoiding subjects on which you know you disagree, as you would do with a fellow-worker who holds views opposed to your own.

The role of assuring people that 'you' are right and 'they' are wrong is generally carried out by online factions -- there's a special interest group for everyone out there. (Unless, of course, the only people who share your responses happen to be people whom *you* find loopy or politically abhorrent :-( )

[betweensunandmoon]

I don't want everyone to agree with me on everything--that would get boring. I just don't want to be yelled at for crying, be told, "you're too sensitive/you're overreacting" when I'm clearly very upset, or be criticized and mocked for displaying enthusiasm about anything...